Britain’s doggers are up in arms today, claiming their traditional pastime is being ruined by interlopers on the countryside shooting at grouse.
Doggers have been heading up to isolated moors, hillsides and supermarket car parks for time out of mind, but now complain their way of life is at risk of being destroyed by a wave of gun-toting townies who just don’t understand the ways of the country.
An exclusive group, doggers are brought together by the search for what they call ‘The Glorious 12 Inches’, and often spend entire nights in the countryside rooting around by the light of car headlamps in pursuit of their elusive quarry.
“It’s an outrage,” dogger Simon Williams told us.
“My family have been coming to this same car park for three generations – sometimes all at the same time – and now our way of life is under threat from a wave of hooray Henrys with shotguns blazing away everywhere and scaring off all the birds.
“Not that there ever really were any anyway, but there used to be a really good transvestite who has stopped coming.
“If dogging as a pastime comes to an end in this country due to these grouse-hunting sickos, thousands will lose their jobs in related industries of car battery replacement and valeting stains off faux-leather car seat upholstery.”
Grouse shooters are apologetic but unrepentant at the effect they are having on rural communities and insisted that the two groups could coexist, each with their own way of blowing a load.