There has been disappointment after the announcement that a proposed fellatio café in Paddington, London will not be serving organic single-origin espresso, but a blended variety.
“They’re not doing single-estate?” scoffed beard upholsterer and coffee connoisseur Simon Williams.
“Well, how on earth can a new coffee shop in London’s already crowded coffee scene ever hope to catch on if they don’t use a well-sourced single-estate espresso bean?
“Frankly, I can’t see anyone visiting this fellatio café as it stands.”
The Baroque-themed, 150m² café will serve coffee and a few pastries and offer customers an iPad on which to choose a tired, broken-looking Eastern European woman to perform oral sex on them.
However, it is currently facing a storm of criticism from all sides.
“I understand that it’s not even an organic blend,” said local councillor Eleanor Gay.
“In this day and age, that’s just not on.
“The Paddington area is highly regarded for top quality coffee shops, and for a new one to set up without seemingly making any effort could bring down the reputation of the whole area.”
Bradley Charvet, the founder of the fellatio café, responded.
“Yeah, we’re mainly going to be about the fellatio.”
But his protestations cut little ice with Ms Gay who hit back immediately, adding that “the pastries look shit as well.”