Tuesday 9 August 2016 by Gary Stanton

Jeremy Corbyn and Owen Smith named in illegal doping scandal

Jeremy Corbyn Owen Smith leadership election

Labour leadership hopefuls Jeremy Corbyn and Owen Smith have denied suggestions that they have used performance-enhancing steroids.

Suspicions arose after TV footage showed the pair may been high on Nandrolone during the recent Labour Party hustings.

Nandrolone Decanoate is listed as a banned substance by the party’s executive committee, even though it occurs naturally in Dwain Chambers’ jogging shorts.

Corbyn and his challenger, Owen Smith, are also suspected of taking a banned derivative of the male hormone testosterone, which, in large quantities, can make left-wingers speak with a Welsh accent.

Party members were alarmed when current leader, Jeremy Corbyn, ditched his bicycle in favour of a bright red Audi with a big, fuck-off spoiler.

Corbyn has also changed his stance on Trident, insisting it is a vital part of a patriotic defence strategy, while slapping Diane Abbott firmly on the arse.

The 68-year-old socialist is due to attend a meeting of the Yorkshire Women’s Guild of Working Mothers later today where he will be asked to fire a hot stream of piss into a bottle.

Smith, meanwhile, will be asked to stop talking just for one fucking minute while someone sticks a needle in him.

If the pair are found guilty, it could open the door to a fresh challenge from former contender Angela Eagle.

Eagle said, “We need a strong female leader who can unite the party and bench press two hundred and fifty kilos.”

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