Jeremy Corbyn and Owen Smith named in illegal doping scandal

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Labour leadership hopefuls Jeremy Corbyn and Owen Smith have denied suggestions that they have used performance-enhancing steroids.

Suspicions arose after TV footage showed the pair may been high on Nandrolone during the recent Labour Party hustings.

Nandrolone Decanoate is listed as a banned substance by the party’s executive committee, even though it occurs naturally in Dwain Chambers’ jogging shorts.

Corbyn and his challenger, Owen Smith, are also suspected of taking a banned derivative of the male hormone testosterone, which, in large quantities, can make left-wingers speak with a Welsh accent.

Party members were alarmed when current leader, Jeremy Corbyn, ditched his bicycle in favour of a bright red Audi with a big, fuck-off spoiler.

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Corbyn has also changed his stance on Trident, insisting it is a vital part of a patriotic defence strategy, while slapping Diane Abbott firmly on the arse.

The 68-year-old socialist is due to attend a meeting of the Yorkshire Women’s Guild of Working Mothers later today where he will be asked to fire a hot stream of piss into a bottle.

Smith, meanwhile, will be asked to stop talking just for one fucking minute while someone sticks a needle in him.

If the pair are found guilty, it could open the door to a fresh challenge from former contender Angela Eagle.

Eagle said, “We need a strong female leader who can unite the party and bench press two hundred and fifty kilos.”

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