Saturday 6 August 2016 by Neil Tollfree

‘I don’t need alcohol to enjoy myself’ says tedious prick

Boring man doesn't need booze

A tedious prick has astonished friends and colleagues by announcing that he doesn’t need alcohol to enjoy himself.

“I think it’s quite sad,” said teetotaller and tedious prick Simon Williams.

“That people think they need to get drunk to have a good night out. I certainly don’t, but then I’m naturally a bit mad anyway.”

Mr Williams made the announcement several times during a work leaving do.

“Si? Yes, he was there,” said a rueful colleague who wished to remain anonymous.

“He spent the evening walking about with a watered-down orange juice looking at people’s drinks and going ‘beer, eh? Not for me.’ And overusing the word ‘Actually’.

“Tedious prick.”

The ‘No alcohol’ claim by Mr Williams has proven so controversial due to the fact that he seemed clearly incapable of having a good time.

“By the end of the evening,” continued the colleague, “Si was just sat at a table rolling his eyes whenever anyone made a joke and telling them that they only thought it was funny because they were drunk.

“He also made them turn the Karaoke off early.”

It is understood that colleagues planning a works do next week have already told Mr Williams a fake location for the event in the hope that he bores off and bothers a load of strangers for the evening.

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