God has said He is unwilling to help London unless his own personal hashtag trends at number one across the globe.
With #PrayForLondon currently not even in the global top ten trending topics on Twitter, his divine almightiness insisted that London is not deserving of His kindness.
He told reporters, “I don’t want to sound all ‘primadonna’ by demanding that you all tell me how much you love me before I’ll perform for you, but I’m currently trending behind Mark Carney. Mark. Bloody. Carney!
“Do you know how completely embarrassing that is in front of all the other deities?
“I get that I’m trending behind Orlando Bloom, that’s fair enough – I mean, don’t know what deal he did with the Devil to get that thing, but it seems like it was well worth it.
“But being behind the bloke at the Bank of England is taking the piss, frankly.
“Christ, even something called #ThursdayThoughts has got more tweets than I have.
“This is totally unsatisfactory, and so let it be known that I will be doing absolutely fuck all to help Londoners in the near future.
“Well, apart from those footballers at Arsenal, Chelsea and Tottenham, who I obviously have to help score their goals.
“Apart from that.”