Anyone who wants to lead UKIP must be capable of convincing the nation’s closet racists that they have their best interests at heart, according to the UKIP National Executive Committee today.
With the candidates for the role now confirmed following the exclusion of Steven Woolfe, the membership will now decide who is best placed to convince the nation’s closet racists that UKIP is the party for them in the first post-Brexit election campaigns.
As one member of the NEC explained, “With Nigel gone, we need a new leader who can stand in front of the public and say ‘some of my friends are black’ while also conveying a sense that they also know all of their white friends are definitely better.
“The battle for the openly-racist voters is already won, and for that, Nigel Farage will forever have our thanks.
“But the real battleground today is for the people who cross the road to avoid walking past the black kids from the other part of town, and those who can be convinced that the only reason they don’t have a nice car is because someone brown earns more than they do.
“It will take a special talent to lead us into this bright new dawn, but I’m sure we’ll find the right person on our shortlist of convincing racist sympathisers.”
Voter Simon Williams told us, “I’ll be honest, I was kinda hoping UKIP would disappear now we’ve voted to leave EU.
“But I guess the whole ‘independence’ thing was a bit of a smokescreen; I suppose that as long as we’ve got brown faces on our streets, there will always be a UKIP.”