Shock as white man not actually shot by anyone

News is emerging from the US this afternoon that a white man, Marshall Mathers, has not been shot.

White rapper Mathers, known as Eminem, was reportedly not shot by associates of music producer Suge Knight in 2001.

Reporters on the scene told us, “Here in the Detroit fans are shocked to learn that despite someone saying that maybe he could have been shot, Eminem was not, in fact, shot.

“It is worth reiterating that Mathers is white, in case you’re wondering why we’re all stood here reporting about a shooting that didn’t actually happen like it’s the most important thing in the world.”

Detroit resident Chuck Williams summed up the mood amongst the locals, telling us, “We now live in a society where a white man not getting shot is more newsworthy than a black one taking a bullet.

“Wonderful.”