Wednesday 3 August 2016 by Tommy Charles

‘Passport colour must be top of the agenda’ says man stood outside food bank

British passport colour

A man who spends much of his time queuing for a free tin of beans at a local food bank because the government has fucked him into poverty has made a passionate plea for them to change the colour of his passport.

Paul Sangam, a northerner, expressed his frustration that his unused passport was still covered in the burgundy hue of the European Union.

“I voted Brexit for one reason only, and that is to have a proper British passport that is a majestic royal blue to remind me of the Royal Family, the heads of our wonderful democracy, control of which we have patriotically taken back,” he said.

“Frankly, I find it highly offensive to be confronted by the oppressive colour of the fascist EU dictatorship that controlled us for so long every time I brush my passport aside as I desperately scramble through drawers in search of loose change to pay for some bread to feed my kids.

“It’s about time this government stopped mucking about, got their act together and sorted this mess out.”

Recent polls suggest that this was the main policy issue among Leave voters, ahead of the NHS, employment or immigration.

Another dissatisfied Brexiter, Richard Williamson, told us, “I agree that it should be front page news of the UK’s biggest newspaper and every paper for that matter.

“OK, I may not be able to afford a holiday in my lifetime, but if I ever do, I don’t want to have to look at that disgusting shade of purpley-red.

“It will be an embarrassment to hand that over at the passport control of whichever EU country will grant me a visa.”

Prime Minister, Theresa May, responded to the protests by saying: “While it is entirely possible and necessary for me to hastily rush through policies that trample over your civil liberties, the logistics and complexities of changing the colour of everyone’s passport is, in reality, rather time-consuming.

“However, I will be chairing a COBRA meeting today, and we’ve got a load of Dulux tester pots in to see which shade we like the best. A decision will be announced in due course.”

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