Amazon has announced a major breakthrough in developing drone technology which can detect when you’re not in.
The new units are set to revolutionise deliveries by making customer interactions with drones indistinguishable from real people, largely because you’ll never see them.
Amazon have confirmed that their automated delivery units will be able to scan your house from up to half a mile away and then enter ‘hibernation mode’ until you’ve gone out or are halfway through a particularly satisfying bowel movement before arriving to make a delivery.
A spokesman for the company said that they were working on railgun technology which would allow their drones to fire a ‘We called and you were out’ note through your letterbox at hypersonic speed before dumping your parcel behind a randomly-selected tree.
“We’re very proud of the tree-selection algorithm we’ve created,” said Amazon spokesman Simon Williams.
“It takes into account type of tree, leaf cover, distance from the nearest road and the amount of dog shit nearby to make the selection, before blanking out the drone’s sensors and spinning it round three times.”
Competitors are already responding to the challenge, with independent delivery company Yodel claiming to have perfected a pneumatic catapult system that will allow drones to hurl parcels over your hedge without ever going near your property, and Hermes Parcel Deliveries have announced to plan to bring a drone into service which will drop your package from 500 feet onto your neighbour’s roof.
The Royal Mail has also risen to the challenge, with their new automated delivery service – a half brick with the word ‘fuck’ scrawled on a post-it note hurled through your window – which is already getting customer satisfaction ratings in both approachability and competence far higher than the average postman.