Tuesday 2 August 2016 by Lucas Wilde

UKIP leadership candidate forgot to declare drink-driving conviction due to being absolutely plastered

UKIP leadership canidate

A UKIP leadership candidate forgot to declare his drink-driving conviction due to being only slightly more than typically drunk.

Simon Williams, 48, is running for the leadership under the party’s core values of tighter immigration controls, British values and/or being absolutely shit-faced by lunchtime.

“But I forgot about the previoush offensh,” said Williams, who assured us he was drunk rather than doing a Sean Connery impression.

“Ish not my fault, wassa long time ago, shouldn’t count.

“Where my keysh? Ah, my pocket. Sneaky fuckers.

“Now, are you coming home with me or are we going back to your plash for….gaaaames heh heh.”

Simon’s assistant said, “Mr Williams is fully aware of his electoral responsibilities, even if he can’t remember where he lives or where he should and shouldn’t urinate.

“This was nothing more than a basic lack of forethought, which puts Mr Williams in prime position to take over as UKIP leader.”

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