Every man, woman and child will be Deliveroo driver by 2020

author avatar by 8 years ago

A shocking new study has revealed that at the current rate of expansion, everyone in the UK will be a Deliveroo driver in the next four years.

“It is shocking, but perhaps not surprising,” said Professor of large numbers and study leader Simon Williams.

“A year ago, a Deliveroo driver was unheard of in our country and now, a mere twelve months later, statistically speaking, you’re never more than ten feet from a Deliveroo driver.

“The continued proliferation is only to be expected.”

Deliveroo drivers have become common sights in most large cities across the UK and with the increasingly sedentary lifestyle led by most people, demand for rapidly cooling, over-priced ‘artisan’ burgers to be delivered straight into one’s mouth is constantly increasing.

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Professor Williams dismissed concerns that there is any threat from the ever-swelling numbers of Deliveroo drivers.

“No, they seem a benign group, concerned with only moving food from one place to another and flicking the occasional V-sign at passing motorists.”

It is expected that the increasing numbers of Deliveroo drivers will ultimately lead to their downfall.

“If you think about it, if everyone was a Deliveroo driver then everyone would be trying to deliver to other Deliveroo drivers, and as the other Deliveroo drivers would be constantly on the move to deliver their own meals to other Deliveroo drivers then the meals would never arrive and ultimately go cold and get a bit congealed and nasty.

“Everyone would then be forced to return to the traditional British meal of Shippams paste sandwiches, and the Deliveroo driver will ultimately die out.

“That’s just evolution at work.”

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