Hillary Clinton’s emails mostly cat gifs and Harry Potter fanfic, confirms Russia

author avatar by 7 years ago

Vladimir Putin has confirmed that Hillary Clinton’s 30,000 private emails are mostly just animated cat pictures and Harry Potter fan fiction.

Putin, who was asked by Donald trump to hack Clinton’s server, released tens of thousands of mails this morning, more than 65% of which featured vines of fluffy animals falling off furniture, acting vaguely like people, or what she simply called ‘Random cutes!!1 xoxox’.

The remainder of the emails appear to be a work-in-progress Harry Potter fan novel titled Harry Potter and the White House of Power“, in which a previously ignored middle-aged woman suddenly discovers she has incredible powers and ends up ruling the world.

A spokesman for Mrs Clinton said the novel was ‘just nothing’ and denied it was autobiographical, despite a scene where the Death-Eaters build a giant wall to keep mudbloods out of Hogwarts.

“Thirty thousand is a lot of emails for someone who is supposed to be really busy in meetings and security briefings and getting shot at by snipers in Bosnia,” conspiracy theorist Chuck Williams told us.

“We figured that most of them would be one-liners – ‘let’s invade somewhere’, that sort of thing – so I’m a bit disappointed that an email titled ‘Terror attack!’ was just a shot of cat leaping away from a cucumber.

“No, I don’t see anything wrong in asking a hostile foreign power to engage in cyber warfare against my home country, why do you ask?”

When asked to comment, Sarah Palin confirmed she could see Russia hacking emails from her house.