Southern Rail to replace conductors with panthers

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In a move that is sure to further enrage many passengers, beleaguered train company Southern Rail have announced that they will be replacing all conductors on trains with wild panthers.

“It is important that we continue to make efficiencies,” said Southern Rail chief and minion of Satan – Charles Horton.

“The problem with onboard train staff is that they need reasonable working conditions, consideration in the workplace…wages.

“Panthers don’t need any of that, they just need a ready supply of meat and our early morning commuter services are perfect for that.”

The introduction of onboard panthers continues a programme of changes made over the last ten weeks that includes replacing seats with spikes, putting CCTV in the toilets and sending footage to You’ve Been Framed, and employing an onboard operative to punch all passengers in the face.

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Regular passengers weren’t quite sure what to make of the latest announcement.

“Panthers, eh?” said commuter Simon Williams, currently receiving treatment for PTSD after a particularly harrowing 40-hour commute from Streatham to London Victoria last week.

“Well, I suppose – upside, it’ll mean an end to the rambling, profane, and drunken customer service announcements, but downside, I might get mauled to death.”

Questioned as to whether the savings made from the introduction of panthers would be passed on to passengers, Mr Horton was quick to respond.

“Christ, No. I need a new car, so all the money will go towards that – a roller or a lambo or something.

“Otherwise I’d have to catch a train and the service round here is a scandal.”