Cashpoints to add ‘double or quits’ function

author avatar by 7 years ago

Bank hole-in-the-wall machines are to feature a ‘double or quits’ function to add a bit of excitement to your weekly shop, they have announced.

Customers withdrawing funds up to £200 from major high street banks will be offered the option to ‘go big or go home’ from next month in a major shake-up of consumer banking rules.

When withdrawing money, the optional feature means the single press of a button will result in the machine paying out either nothing or a 100% bonus, a change the banking ombudsman described as ‘totally legit’.

Banks are required by law to ensure the payout odds are exactly 50/50 to prevent suggestions of impropriety.

“We think this change will prove especially popular amongst people doing their weekly shopping, late-night street drinkers, and desperate, needy addicts craving some small chink of light in their otherwise hellish existence”, Bank of England spokesman Sir Simon Williams KCMG told us.

“We’ve been very clear in the regulations, insisting that banks are limited to no more than ten flashing lights and only moderate sirens in the event of a win.

“They’re not allowed to call it a win, either. We think ‘Exceptional Interest Gratuity’ sounds more grave and professional.”

When asked about the risks of people gambling their money away, the Bank of England said anyone worried about that had obviously never heard of fixed odds betting machines, bookmakers, or international foreign exchange markets.

A spokesman for the mugging community has welcomed the announcement, saying the sirens will be ‘exceptionally useful’ in their line of work.