The Labour party plans to solve its funding shortfall by holding a leadership crisis every summer.
The party had been struggling for funds after running out of other people’s money as usual but was pulled out of the red after tens of thousands of people paid £25 each to take part in this year’s astonishing shitstorm.
As a result of the hugely successful sale, Jeremy Corbyn has pledged to do his best to stay on as leader, lurching from crisis to crisis and ever-further alienating his colleagues so they can hold a similarly successful fundraising drive every year.
Senior figures in the party are already considering promotions including “Three votes for the price of two” at just £50, and a hot date with Gloria de Piero for whoever pays to vote the most often.
The party has already approached the BBC to find out if it would be possible to add a freephone ‘Pay ‘n’ vote now’ number to news coverage of next year’s disastrous internal conflict.
“There was huge demand for votes at £3 a go from right across the market – Greens, Socialist Workers, Senior Tories, they all wanted in on the action, so obviously market forces dictated that we put the prices up,” said Labour staffer Simon Williams.
“And demand rocketed! It was great! If we’d kept the price at £3 we might have only made 300k or half a mil, but as it is we’ve coined it in. We’d be idiots if we didn’t keep doing this.
“Well, at least until we’re annihilated by the actual electorate in 2020 anyway – but that’s years away yet.”