Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, has instructed her stylists to find the most arse-hugging dress possible for the wedding of her sister, Pippa Middleton.
Pippa announced today that she would be marrying her hedge-fund manager boyfriend, after accepting defeat in her attempts to snag a prince of her own.
Stylists have said that Catherine’s dress will be both figure-hugging, and attention-grabbing, but not so overtly that it will draw complete attention away from the bride.
“Probably something that shows she’s someone who does a lot of squats, but probably not so revealing you would be able to tell which brand of underwear she’s wearing.”
Pippa is the second daughter of Carol and Michael Middleton, a position Catherine is keen to reinforce when the cameras inevitably arrive for the ceremony next year.
As one family friend told us, “I’m not saying Catherine is keen to get her own back after Pippa’s arse stole the limelight at her own wedding, but she’s already intimated she’s going to face backwards in all the wedding photos.
“Plus, I heard that any journalist who doesn’t write flattering pieces about her arse has been threatened with the Tower.”