The Turkish government has arrested thousands of people this morning whose names were on great big lists they just happened to have lying around the place for no reason whatsoever.
Insisting they had no idea anything untoward might happen over the weekend, government representatives explained that the arrest lists – which included thousands of judges, civil servants, police and people who didn’t vote for the President – had been drawn up just as a purely intellectual exercise, weeks before.
“Every country keeps great big lists of people they’d arrest in the event of an unexpected coup attempt,” explained spokesman Simon Williamcu.
“These things happen all the time, so it would be negligent not to make sure you knew who you’d like the opportunity to get out of your way, and have enough handcuffs stockpiled just in case.”
President Erdogan has addressed supporters this morning, explaining that he will be tireless in tracking down whoever it was burned down the Reichstag.
“Attempted a coup. Damn, sorry, I was reading the wrong notes there for a moment,” he added.
Over 6,000 arrests have been made for involvement in the coup, which is impressively prompt intelligence work for a country which had no idea whatsoever anything was coming.
In the wake of the attacks the President is expected to grant himself all kinds of spiffy new powers and possibly suspend future elections, because we’ve never seen anyone do anything like that before.