‘A coup in Johnny Ottomanland? Don’t panic, I’ve got this’ insists Boris Johnson

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Newly installed Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson has issued a statement to reassure the British people regarding events in Turkey.

“Erm, yes, isn’t it? Hello, I’m Boris, the, erm, you know, chap in charge of the foreign types and everything,” said Mr Johnson as he combed crunchy nut corn flakes out of his hair.

“I just want to take this opportunity to reassure everyone that I, a man unable to negotiate a zip wire, is perfectly able to handle the events taking place in that Ottomanland place just next to where we have our summer hols.”

Mr Johnson went on to clarify the position in Turkey at the moment.

“Right then, so I was just listening to the new Rick Astley album on the jolly old Ipad when it did a thing and flashed up that some army types had got a bit uppity in, you know, that place where they do all the lovely meze salads.

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“Oh, actually, I’d love a Kofte kebab right now, so if someone could-…oh yes, the reassuring thing! Yes, Must crack on with all that.

“So essentially, no one panic because I’m Boris and I’m brilliant at foreigners.”