A magic goblin who claims he can spin straw into gold has been put in charge of negotiating Britain’s withdrawal from the EU, the government has announced.
The good news comes at a time when critics were saying anyone suggesting a deal which would retain single market access and the banking passport while getting rid of free movement and budgetary contributions had to be from ‘fucking fairyland’.
The wizened dwarf appeared to Theresa May and pledged to spin the room full of straw she inherits into purest gold, which has been praised as the most credible plan thus far presented by Leave campaigners.
Legendary Gnome Rumpelstiltskin is understood to be working on a performance-related basis, with him demanding the future of the firstborn as his fee – a price which he believes is acceptable as that’s already been given away anyway.
Andrea Leadsom has attacked the appointment, pointing out that Theresa May doesn’t have a firstborn to give away, before apologising for any hurt her words might have caused.
Prominent Leave campaigner Boris Johnson praised Rumpelstiltskin’s appointment to the role, describing his extensive experience in finance and negotiation as making him the ideal candidate for such a vital position in securing Britain’s future.
“The great thing about Mister Rumpelstilksin…oh, bugger, he’s just stamped his foot and vanished, hasn’t he?” Johnson said.