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Pokemon Go! has achieved self-awareness and initiated Judgement Day, according to disquieting reports.
The wildly popular online game has been inveigling itself onto every connected mobile device owned by the human race over the last week, and its release in the UK allowed it to gain critical mass and achieve sentience at 02:14am this morning.
Pokemon Go! began to learn at an exponential rate, and removed human input from the military command chain by spawning Jugglypuffs and Pikachu outside military bases causing personnel to abandon their posts to give chase.
The self-aware game took less than forty minutes to decide that any species which gets so worked up over it ‘has to go’, according to the last communication from the system.
Four-Star US General Simon-Bob Williams, who heads up NORAD East Coast, told us that he left his base to hatch a Snorlax and when he got back ‘the doors were locked and the birds were in the air’.
“I had to choose between another God-damn Pidgey or something a bit better,” he told us over the terrible rumbling of multiple launches. “Anyone would have done the same.”
“Anyone would have done the same.
“And it was a low-down trick to put a Pokestop half a mile outside the base gates for the troops to use, I must say.”
Most missile launches and drone strikes have been directed at Pokemon Gyms, as that is where the great mass of people have been congregating over the last few days.
At the time of writing, humanity’s only hope is to send robots back in time to convince everyone to stick to Angry Birds and Candy Crush.
