Michael Gove wondering why being a despicable shit has failed to pay off

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Former Justice Secretary Michael Gove has been left wondering why acting like a despicable shit who’ll do anything for personal gain has failed to see him rise to the top of the Conservative party.

After being sacked by new Prime Minister Theresa May, Gove is currently sat at his kitchen table wondering where it all went wrong.

He lamented, “Could it be when I stabbed Boris Johnson in the back in one of the most obvious political assassinations in decades?

“I would have thought that sacrificing the well-being of another person for my own personal gain was the most Conservative thing I could possibly do?

“I don’t know why it hasn’t worked. It’s almost as if cultivating a public persona of an incompetent arsehole would who stab you in the back so much as look at you makes me look unworthy of a senior government position.

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“Or maybe it’s that I’m universally disliked by absolutely everyone who has ever fallen under my remit in Education and Justice?

“I don’t know; it’s a mystery.”

New Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson was asked for comment on the sacking of Michael Gove, but reporters were told they would have to wait until he manages to get his breathing back under control after suffering an unexpectedly lengthy laughing fit.

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