Sod this, I’ll do it, says Queen

author avatar by 7 years ago

The Queen has declined Theresa May’s request to form a government as she reckons she’s got this.

Elizabeth Windsor, 90, has issued a statement to her subjects to “Chill, I’m on this like mustard on rye”, whatever that may mean.

Displaying a previously unsuspected gift for jive, Her Majesty went on to call departing Prime Minister David Cameron a ‘honky-ass motherfucker’ and leader of her loyal opposition Jeremy Corbyn a “Pansy Jive turkey”, whatever one of those may be.

Stating that she had “kicked May’s ass to the curb”, the Queen announced she is righteously certain she has this down.

Her Majesty will form her own government, as she’s not letting any of them near the driving seat again if they can help it.

She has already appointed her main man Prince Philip as Foreign Secretary, causing almost four dozen diplomatic incidents in the last forty minutes, primarily with the government of the newly-renamed Bongo Bongo Land.

Minister of Defence will be “Stone cold” Prince Harry.

When asked what she proposed to do about Brexit negotiations, The Queen says that if the EU agree to put more stripes on the flag and her head on the currency she’ll think about letting the rest of Europe stay.

As her first policy move, The Queen plans to release the flying monkeys at 9am sharp tomorrow.