David Cameron has implored the nation to remember him for fucking a dead pig rather than his successful screwing of the entire country.
The outgoing prime minister sought to set the tone for a legacy so bereft of compassion it could have been appointed chancellor in his cabinet.
Speaking to journalists, he said, “My tenure as prime minister could be remembered for many, many unpleasant things conducted on the less fortunate among us, but one particular event should take clear precedence over all others.
“Namely the revelation that I had sexual relations with that pig.
“So when you hear nasty words like ‘austerity’ mentioned in the same sentence as David Cameron, I would implore that instead you think of me – David Cameron – with my peers, and a suckling pig.
He continued, “When, in later years a man in the pub complains that I foreshadowed the dismantling of the United Kingdom, tell them with confidence, ‘yes – but he’s also the guy who face-fucked a pig’.
“When you yourself are offered a zero-hour contract as the sole means of escaping the iniquitous society I personally brewed up to boiling point, simply think ‘pig’.
“Pig, pig, pig, pig, pig.
Simon Williams, a builder from Leeds, remained unconvinced at the MP for Witney’s parting assertions.
“To focus on his successes on the porcine circuit rather than his grotesque failures in office would be absurd.
“Like gambling your political career on a In/Out referendum.”