The Labour party is to push Angela Eagle into a volcano to placate the angry gods, they have announced.
The mighty volcano has been sending up worrying smoke for weeks, but party witch-doctors have pledged the fire god who dwells within will be placated by a live sacrifice and called for volunteers.
Senior figures within the party, whose politics are often described as ‘tribal’, have consulted the falling of runes and the flying of birds and concluded that by holding an extremely public sacrifice they can prevent a terrible eruption of pent-up energy which will tear them apart.
Once the sacrifice is complete, they conclude, the shaking will cease, all shall be well, and the great spirit will shower upon the party a bumper harvest of votes.
The move is reminiscent of Ed Miliband’s pledge to put a giant stone altar in the garden of Number 10 before the last election, upon which he would sacrifice his own brother to the election gods.
However, the election gods were much plenty angry, and turned their faces from him.
in other news, the Conservative party has proposed burning Boris Johnson in a wicker man to guarantee a mighty harvest of votes.