The first lorryloads of mud have already begun arriving at Glastonbury as the site begins preparations for next year’s festival.
Glastonbury is the UK’s largest consumer of liquid mud, and it takes almost a year to ensure enough is on site and ready for everyone to have a really miserable time.
Upon arrival at the site, it is spread evenly over several square miles and kept liberally soaked so the festival ground is already eight inches deep in slurry by the time the first excited attendees arrive.
Organiser Michael Eavis told us that maintaining the Glastonbury ambience of earth-caked sodden despair was an essential part of the experience, and he’ll keep making people as bedraggled and miserable for as long as he is able.
“Getting Adele this year was a stroke of genius,” he told us.
“Howling storms, two feet of mud and an anguished dirge about her ex. God, it was wonderful.”
The UK is not capable of producing enough of its own mud to satisfy demand and imports considerable volumes from Eastern Europe, leading to some campaigners demanding the country become self-sufficient in gloop.
UK leader Nigel Farage has insisted that festival-goers should be able to bathe in ‘honest, hearty, British mud’, while Jeremy Corbyn has called upon the government to nationalise the mud industry in order to protect supply.