Cameron tells Boris Johnson to ‘just neck it’ after handing him poisoned chalice

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David Cameron has handed Boris Johnson a chalice full of poison and piss and is waiting expectantly for him to drink long and deep today.

Handing someone a poison chalice is not unusual in times of managerial disagreement, but Cameron is understood to have drunk several pints of Boddingtons and eaten two full pounds of asparagus before relieving himself into the mixture with a satisfied sigh.

“Come on, Bozzer”, Cameron is understood to have said.

“Get it down you. You did promise. Along with three hundred and fifty million quid for the NHS and no more darkies. Now drink, you motherfucker.”

Johnson, who only last week told the world he would be delighted to sup from the chalice, is now explaining that whilst he’d love to, he’s just gosh-dratted busy and not as thirsty as he thought he would be.

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In fact, now he thinks of it, he’s not thirsty at all and doubts he ever will be.

Instead, Boris is understood to be practising pleased ‘glug glug’ noises in front of a mirror whilst tipping the contents straight down Michael Gove’s excited throat.

In breaking news, the Labour Party has confirmed that nobody from their side will be drinking from it as they have quite enough poisoned chalices of their own right now, thanks very much.

However, Nigel Farage has offered to tip it down in one as he’s dead hard, like.