The head of Operation Yewtree has confirmed that it will be launching an inquiry after a group of politicians known as “Leave” publicly screwed everyone under the age of 16.
Following the alleged actions of these politicians, the Pound fell, and the British Economy started an inevitable march towards recession, resulting in the hopes and dreams of many children in tatters.
Mary Sugden, a mother of three, says that at 6 am on Friday morning, her children were screaming and crying out ‘my economic future!’
She went on, “Since then they’ve just been depressed, forlorn, and unable to talk. Admittedly one of them is 15, so it could just be a phase.
“As a family, we will work through this, in the hope that one day the bastards who did this will face justice. Or, at least, not get a knighthood.”
At a press conference, Police Commissioner Danbert announced that “The willful actions of these men, performed brazenly and in public, has left the youth of the nation traumatised.
“While the incident occurred on only one night, the results will be physical hardship and emotional trauma for many years to come.
“We do not know what possessed these otherwise respected politicians to perform such a despicable act, other than the thrill of being able to abuse their power.
“We do know that approximately 52% of the country have been asked to assist us with our enquiries, either as negligent or complicit accomplices to these people’s wicked deeds.”
Miles Goodwill, retired fish sorter and Leave voter, responded to the announcement by saying, “I have grandkids, and I would never have voted for this had I know what they would do to them.
“Personally, I blame the Remain campaign, as they never gave any warning at any point in the whole campaign that this could happen.
“While I admit I voted to Leave I only did so for the good bits, like taking back control and getting rid of all the foreigners.
Enquiries are ongoing and are expected to last several years due to inevitable budget cuts.