People stuck in Glastonbury traffic unaware this will be highlight of weekend

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Thousands of people sat in stationary cars miles from Glastonbury have been warned that this is the most comfortable they’ll be for the next five days.

With tailbacks on the A37 stretching back several miles and lasting up to twelve hours, those festival goers sitting in bone-dry air-conditioned vehicles have been urged to commit the sensation to memory.

Glastonbury analyst Simon Williams told those currently sitting in traffic, “By Friday afternoon when you’ve spent two days wading through knee-high high mud in order to stand in a damp tent to listening to a white guy with dreadlocks do half an hour of ‘poetry’ about the EU, the memories you’re making right now will prove comforting.

“Sure, you might think a traffic jam is bad at the moment, but you’re not currently crammed into the armpit of a guy who last washed his hair when Iain Duncan-Smith was part the government.

“Endless tail lights aren’t as impressive as a laser show on the Pyramid stage, granted, but you’re also not being doused in warm piss thrown by some pisshead standing forty yards behind you.

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“So please, focus on the sensation of clean underwear, dry clothes and skin that doesn’t feel like it needs an industrial solvent to get it clean.

“You’re going to be trying to remember it very, very soon.”