UKIP leader Nigel Farage has announced that he will be pursuing a new career as a panto villain immediately after the referendum.
“I have to face facts,” Mr Farage told us, between customary deep swills of beer to emphasise why his views should be taken as worthy of sober reflection.
“One way or another, after the referendum UKIP’s role’s over.
“We’ll either win, in which case it’s job done, pats on the bum all round, then sitting back and watching the UK slide back to the inevitable 1950s utopia, or we’ll lose.
“In which case I will of course wholly and completely accept the clear democratic will of the UK people, without bitching, whining and spending the next God knows how long blaming expert opinions for being biased.
“Either way, it’s hard even for me to see what would be left for UKIP to do, except leave it to the proper politicians.
“You know, the sort of people who don’t gaffe up every other time they open their gob.”
When asked why a career in panto appealed Nigel flashed his famous ‘just masturbated sheep’ grin.
“Well you have to play to your strengths don’t you?” he said.
“So being a cartoonish evil twat who gets booed a lot looks absolutely perfect for me.”