EU to respond to British ‘Independence Day’ with gigantic spaceships and Death-rays

author avatar by 7 years ago

Boris Johnson’s call for a British Independence Day has been met by the EU trebling research funding into gigantic spaceships and beam weapons to lay waste to London, according to reports today.

French President Francois Hollande has committed his country’s entire budget of 47 Euros to the project, whilst the European central Bank has forced Greece to borrow another 500bn to help fund the construction of a hemispherical mothership that will drift over the Channel blasting all in its path.

Meanwhile, Angela Merkel confirmed that Germany would quietly and efficiently build space-beam cannons and not expect a great deal of help or input from their neighbours as usual.

Boris Johnson, one of the leaders of the leave campaign, went on to say that he didn’t believe that London would be destroyed by a vengeful alien force but if it did happen he would go on television to apologise.

Speaking from the European Union’s hidden base on the moon, President Tusk was clear that if they thought the last time Britain withdrew from a European institution – the ERM – the in 1990s had been bad, this resurgence would be ten times worse.

“You had twenty years to prepare,” he announced to a quivering world.

“It wasn’t enough.”

The British people are divided on the issue, with most agreeing that their cities being laid waste by iridescent blue beams from hovering doomsday ships would be a bad thing, but if there was a chance of Nigel Farage punching Jean-Claude Juncker in the face and saying ‘Welcome to Britain’ it might still be worth it.