As the final week of campaigning for the EU referendum begins, the Stronger in Europe campaign is planning a change of strategy from patronising to incredibly, monumentally patronising.
“Our campaign message thus far has been ‘vote Remain, or you’re thick’,” explained campaign strategist and dilatant Chancellor George Osborne
“It’s served us jolly well, but with a week to go, I think we need to really step up the message to be something more like ‘vote for us, or you’re really, really terribly thick’.”
Mr Osborne also promised more apocalyptic, unbelievable warnings of catastrophe.
“Have we done – ‘if we leave the EU then everyone will die of plague yet?’ That’s the sort of thing that could really resonate.
“Or perhaps something about the Loch Ness Monster getting us all if we leave the EU? Or the dead rising up from their graves and taking everyone’s jobs? Or everyone stubbing their toes if we leave?
“It’s exactly this sort of hard-hitting rhetoric that has got us to 43% in the polls, a mere 5 points behind Brexit with a week to go.”
It has been suggested that the Remain campaign would do better if it put together coherent, well argued, progressive ideas-based arguments instead of patronising, end-of-the-world nonsense.
“Yes, we could do that,” agreed the Chancellor
“But it sounds like jolly hard work.”
The Chancellor then pointed into the distance before telling us, “Oh no, look, there’s a load of giant wasps readying themselves to enter the UK if EU wasp legislation is abandoned.”