Russian athletes to appeal Olympic ban just as soon as they ‘come down’

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Russian athletes are expected to appeal their ban for wholesale doping when they come down, we can report.

The entire Russian track & field team have been slapped with a group ban from the Rio Games due to industrial levels of drug use, a move which head coach Simonov Williamsovitch described as ‘a massive, massive bummer’.

The team is currently tripping something fierce, but senior sources in the Russia government hope to get them to stand upright and eat some munchies long enough to lodge an appeal.

When the team were told of the ban we understand one was so determined to prove their innocence they held a sit-in and sang “give peace a chance” until told that probably wasn’t helping.

“These accusations are a total headfuck, man,” said one member of the relay team. “And, like, totally bogus.”

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“Having yellow eyeballs and grinding your teeth to powder are normal shit for Russians, dude. It’s our national character and stuff.

“We’ll sort this out just as soon as we’ve got some money for a new stash. Appeal. I meant appeal.”

Russia has denied the accusations and instead pointed the finger at China, several of whose Olympic team were recently seen running for a bus at over thirty-five miles an hour.