The River Thames has died, according to sources this morning.
London’s best river succumbed to the effects of extreme embarrassment after two grown men took to boats and shouted at each other under a pretext of the EU referendum.
“There’s just a massive ditch there now,” confirmed river enthusiast, Simon Williams.
“Not really sure what happened but after the shouty men on boats left the river, there was an enormous scream and the whole thing just dried up within three minutes.
“We found a note that said ‘I can’t live with myself’, which was surprising as we didn’t even know the river was sentient, let alone capable of written communication.”
Tourist, Elizabeth King, was on a boat tour when the Thames gave up the ghost.
“Bit of a shock, to be honest” confirmed King.
“We kind of envisaged being able to stay on the boat all the way round, as opposed to finding ourselves in a dried-up ditch below London Bridge.
“For a moment I thought Moses had come back or something, but then someone told me the river had killed itself after Bob Geldof and Nigel Farage has wankered all over it, which is understandable, if very sad indeed.”