75% of Brexit supporters have mastered the use of a pencil

author avatar by 8 years ago

Vote Leave have hailed as a breakthrough the news that after weeks of training, over 75% of supporters are now able to use a pencil to make a mark on a form close enough to an ‘X’ as to count as a vote.

“We knew we had the support,” said Brexit supporter and shameless political chancer Boris Johnson.

“But the concern was what these people would do when confronted with a pencil and a piece of paper.”

So began several weeks of intensive training to familiarise supporters of Brexit with the basic concepts of pencils, paper, and using one to make a mark on the other.

“It wasn’t easy,” admitted volunteer Simon Williams.

NewsThump Hoodies

“These people had never seen a pencil before and just couldn’t conceive of what it was for; we had several trips to A&E in the early days.

“After a few weeks they understood what they were meant to do with the pencil, but drawing two intersecting lines was a huge challenge.

“Most of them used the pencil to poke a hole in the paper, some violently scribbled all over the paper, naturally there were numerous crude representations of male and female genitalia, and one profoundly disturbing picture of a Lovecraftian horror devouring humanity.

“But we got there in the end, and now there are many Brexiters who’ve mastered writing a cross on a piece of paper with a pencil.”

However, as Mr Williams explained, all the training could be for naught if the voting form isn’t expected.

“God yes, we are expecting the option to leave will be the second box on the form. If it isn’t, we’re in all sorts of trouble because the average Brexit supporter simply has no concept of ‘reading’.”