Microsoft acquires LinkedIn to corner market in extraordinarily annoying products

author avatar by 8 years ago

Microsoft is to pay $26bn to acquire LinkedIn in a move designed to protect its market leadership position in the provision of software tools that leave you relentlessly frustrated.

The deal will see LinkedIn become part of the Microsoft family that has become synonymous with horrific online experiences.

Microsoft chief executive Satya Nadella told reporters, “We built our entire business on the Office suite, a set of products so effortlessly complicated we had to invent ‘clippy’ to help you do something as simple as write a letter.

“We then created a browser so incredibly awful that it convinced millions of its users that the entire Internet is a miserable place devoid websites that render properly.

“Then we acquired Skype, the online communication tool that can let you see or hear the person you’re trying to speak to – but never both at the same time.

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“And now we’ve got LinkedIn. The social network used exclusively by pricks you used to work with letting you know they got promoted again, and which sends you an email every nine minutes asking you to update your profile.

“Imagine tying all of those desperately horrific online experiences together in one closely integrated product set. No other software company will even come close to the levels of frustration Microsoft can create.

“We want to live in a world where when you think of desperately unpleasant online experiences, you automatically think ‘Microsoft’ – and I think we’re nearly there.”

According to SEO A.I., consumer Simon Williams said, “Buying LinkedIn kinda makes sense for Microsoft, I suppose. No doubt they’ll already be looking to complete the set by acquiring Norton Antivirus.”