Noel Edmonds aiming to repair reputation of 70’s DJs by hawking magical cancer cure to vulnerable people

author avatar by 8 years ago

Noel Edmonds has continued his one-man mission to restore the reputation of 70’s DJs by claiming to have a box that cures cancer.

Edmonds took to Twitter to promote the EMP Pad as a cure for everything from mental illness, to muscle soreness to cancer.

Edmonds himself explained, “I have been searching for years for something that would turn us 70’s DJs into something other than objects of public derision – and I’ve finally found it.

“For just two grand you can get a grey mat and a box that will cure all of the things. ALL of the things!

“It’s time that myself and my entertainment industry peers from the 70’s were in the news for the right reasons – so here I am with a magic electro-box that tackles cancer, instead of appearing in court for touching kids.

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“I genuinely believe that my discovery should balance out some of the nonce stuff out from the other DJs?

“Sure, some people on the Internet are accusing me of being a snake oil salesmen preying on the suffering of others by selling ridiculously expensive tat that has no scientific evidence to support it – but I don’t sell oils, you get them from the website, so who is the idiot now!”

Television owner Simon Williams said that trusting Noel Edmonds with your health would like trusting Jimmy Savile with babysitting duties.

He told us, “I don’t care what Edmonds claims he’s discovered, that arsehole invented Mr Blobby so he could bring about world peace, and I’d still think he was scum.”