Someone in Britain has finally bought a baseball bat for its intended purpose.
Simon Williams, 22, purchased the bat from his local Sports Direct having seen baseball on television and fancying the idea of giving it a go, rather than a desire to severely fuck someone up.
“He must be some kind of lunatic,” said shop assistant, Jay Cooper.
“Everyone knows the only reasons to buy a baseball bat in this country are home defence or doing over a petrol station.
“But this guy actually wants to play baseball with it. I hope he’s not in charge of anything important; he sounds a bit simple.”
Williams said, “I asked Jay for a bat and he immediately asked if I wanted ‘defence or assault’ bat, which confused me.
“I said I just wanted to play some baseball, and he looked at me like I’d just touched up his nan.”
Simon Williams is expected to play baseball precisely once, work out he doesn’t like it very much, then leave the bat near the front door under a pretence of home defence, but mostly to convince female visitors that he’s some kind of gangster.