Facebook now entirely populated by the galactically smug

author avatar by 8 years ago

At 8.36 last night, modest man Jeremy Lumps deleted his Facebook account and in doing so he left Facebook now exclusively populated by the most self-satisfied people on the planet.

“God, I love my life so much,” wrote preternaturally smug Mum of two Eleanor Gay for no clear reason.

“Beautiful times, beautiful family, beautiful, beautiful me. Bliss.”

Experts are warning that Facebook is likely to be unbearable within a day or so.

“It is likely that Facebook will simply be made up of variations of Ms Gay’s status posted by the sort of people who, if there were any justice in the world, would wake up every morning to a slap round the face with a carp,” said Professor of Awfulness, Simon Williams.

In the past four years, Facebook has become a grotesque parade of middle-aged people with monumental hair posting increasingly vapid and vague statements about how much they love themselves.

“Awesome times with awesome buds. Stay true. You’re all my brothers,” wrote one man, seemingly after having a pint with some friends.

“Life is sooooo good. Magical experiences with daughter make life so, so special,” wrote a woman who’d just been to the shops.

Professor Williams warned normal people to steer clear.

“I would advise all right-thinking people to stay away from Facebook; we’re not sure if this much self-satisfaction is safe and the whole thing good explode in a foul torrent of smugness.”

“And you wouldn’t want to be anywhere near something like that.”