After scoring 135 seconds into his debut, England supporters are calling on Marcus Rashford to end the Brexit debate and bring balance to the force.
The 18-years-old’s meteoric rise has been met with typically reserved hysteria by English football fans who have hailed the teenager as the saviour of everything from football itself to the universe as we know it.
“Obviously, Marcus Rashford is the second coming,” said England supporters club member Simon Williams.
“I don’t want to build the kid up too much, but if we don’t win the Euros, World Cup, Olympics, X Factor and the next election, then Roy Hodgson has a lot to answer for.
“People will say I’m going overboard, but being the youngest player ever to score on their England debut definitely makes him better than Jesus.
“He might not be able to walk on water, but he’s clearly got trickier feet and a better eye for goal.
“Plus, Jesus never scored against a second-rate side from the Asia Football Confederation, did he.”