Taliban leader awarded Nobel peace prize for dying

author avatar by 8 years ago

The death of Taliban leader Mullah Mansour has been recognised for its ‘significant and lasting’ contribution to world peace.

Mansour, who was killed in a drone strike at the weekend, made the world a safer and happier place by dying, the Nobel committee confirmed.

In death, the Mullah will no longer be in a position to shoot 12-year-olds in the head for wanting to learn to read, plant roadside IEDs, or flood global markets with heroin.

The Nobel committee citation praised Mansour for kicking the bucket, and added a heartfelt wish they had been able to make the posthumous award considerably sooner.

Reading from the Citation, King Harald of Norway expressed gratitude to the warlord for his demise.

NewsThump best selling notebooks

“It gives me great pleasure to award the Peace Prize to the charred and sizzling remains of Mullah Mansour,” he said.

“This is truly an award for peace, and deserving of the prize, as through his death children will feel less fear as they go to school, travellers are less likely to randomly lose one or both of their legs, and villagers won’t be beaten for not having a long enough beard.

“I think I speak for the entire world when I say he was an epic, epic twat, and the world is a happier, safer, more peaceful place without him.”

In an address after the awards ceremony, the Nobel committee said they were hoping to give next year’s award to the rapidly-cooling remains of ISIS leader Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi.

However if he would be kind enough to die sooner they’d be delighted to break with protocol and give two awards in the same year.