New Taliban leader revealed to be Michael Gove

author avatar by 8 years ago

The new Taliban leader has been revealed to be foresighted 1830s pioneer Michael Gove, as they attempt to take back control of Afghanistan amidst a crazy culture of democracy and clothes that aren’t plain black.

Prominent Talibanster Simon Al-Williams says, “What’s not to like? He’s going to bring us bang up-to-date with his policies of keeping foreigners out, keeping us cut off from the rest of the world and giving us a fiscal autonomy that stops us trading competitively with literally everyone and will make a reality the long-held but never achieved anti-co-operation policy that the near-sighted Taliban have long dreamt about.

“And, you know, he’s going to keep those policies where we chop people’s hands off for painting their fingernails and stone people to death for watching that Monty Python scene where they stone people to death.”

Gove himself stated, “I first plan to give the Taliban academy status.

“And don’t worry, they won’t need to be paying an entirely apocryphal £350m to some sort of ridiculous union with other countries.

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“If we win back control of Afghanistan using our forward-thinking ‘no diplomacy’ policy, I will lead her screaming gloriously into the 1850s with my policies.”

However, Daesh CEO Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi told reporters, “Michael Gove is an idiot and way too backwards thinking. His ideas are stuck firmly in the past.”