12 million Turks are heading to the UK lured by the Sunday Express’ promise of free freesia seeds and expandable hosepipes for just £9.99!
With the Mail on Sunday also offering a free 48-page Chris Evans ‘Cars Go Brrummm!’ pullout, the UK’s already buckling infrastructure is expected to collapse.
“In Turkey we are forced to pay for freesia seeds and we’re struggling with ordinary hosepipes,” one Turkish man told us.
“If they promise to give them to us for free and provide expandable hosepipes for just £9.99 then, of course, we will come.
“Like any parent, I want my children to know which cars Chris Evans thinks are the best of 2016.”
Angry Brits have responded furiously to the news amid further revelations that The Sunday Times are giving away a ‘Jamie Oliver Healthy Meal Planner’.
“It’s not enough that these newspapers use their front pages to advertise a fictional welfare system that throws money at migrants like confetti,” blasted Simon Williams.
“They then top that off with a free £2 bet and a carton of Ribena.
“Anyone would think they want them to come here just so they can moan about it!”