UKIP giving doorstep campaigns a bad name, insist Jehovah’s Witnesses

author avatar by 8 years ago

Jehovah’s Witnesses have today claimed that the concept of knocking on someone’s door and talking them into believing in the same crazy things as you could disappear thanks to right-wing bullshit.

The religious group has previously dominated the annoying doorstep visitor market, exploiting their unique brand of ‘public conversion strategies’ designed to swell their support.

However, those strategies are now in danger as members of the public have begun ignoring their door bells thanks to the threat of lectures about immigrants and the EU from angry right-wing volunteers.

Jehovah’s Witness Simon Williams told us, “For years people have just about tolerated us knocking on their door to talk to them about Jesus, blood transfusions, and where black people come from – but now folks are just too afraid of the doorbell.

“Who wants to open their door when there is a strong possibility you’ll be subjected to a load of bullshit from a right-wing moron who believes that your morning commute takes too long because of immigrants?

“At least when we are at your door we have some nice fairy stories to tell you about heaven and stuff – I mean, who wants to hear about millions of Turkish terrorists swimming the Channel to reach our shores?”

Voter Jane Matthews told us, “If someone is going to interrupt me watching Coronation Street, then they better be offering me something better than a plan to send back Pavel who lives next door.

“I want eternal salvation and a mansion in the clouds, as a minimum.

“All I got was a lecture about EU bureaucrats making up laws to straighten our bananas, and how all the young people are going to lose their jobs to a Bulgarian – but I’m 38, like I give a shit about young people.

“Anyway, I’ve disconnected the doorbell until after the referendum – it’s the only option.”