Local man Simon Williams is understood to be the only person in the entire world who doesn’t get calls from PPI claims agents, and it’s really messing with his head.
Mr Williams, 33, is growing increasingly concerned that nobody wants to market their products to him as even Bushmen in the Kalahari get smokesignals asking if they’ve ever had any loans, or an accident which wasn’t their fault.
Williams does not receive personalised marketing correspondence in the post, or emails promising success with women, cheap finance or one-line messages saying ‘Hey check this out’ and linking to a downloadable trojan.
Nobody has ever stopped him and given him a free sample of their product either, despite his hanging around when he’s seen them doing so.
“I don’t know what’s happening”, he told us. “It’s really freaking me out.
“I got an email promising me a larger penis once and I remember smiling as I clicked ‘move to junk’ as I thought it funny, but it never happened again. Never.
“All my friends seem to think it’s a good thing and I’m really lucky, but it’s just me! Just me! What’s wrong with me?”
Simon told us that the way he’s feeling right now he’d probably give his credit card details to anyone who rang him claiming he had a virus on his computer just out of sheer relief.
When asked, a representative of the direct marketing industry said they were just ‘fucking with his head for a laugh’.