Trained chimps should ‘fill in’ for doctors, say NHS bosses

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Chimps, gorillas, and marmosets should be trained up to help fill in for doctors and help the NHS handle increased demand, said management body NHS Employers.

“Obviously, we’re not suggesting that a monkey do brain surgery,” said NHS Employers chief Danny Mortimer.

“That would be ridiculous, but there’s some stuff that doctors do that looks really easy – taking temperatures, blood pressure, proctology…that sort of thing.

“Surely, it can’t be too hard to train a variety of primates to fill in for them to do these jobs.”

However, unions have warned against using monkeys as a ‘quick fix’ for problems in the NHS.

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“We would strongly advise against using primates to perform any kind of medical tasks, not least because a stressed and angry chimp could be prone to pulling the face off any nearby human beings.

“And, as we well know, staff within the NHS are more prone to stress than almost any profession.”

Patients also appeared to react negatively towards the plan.

“Oh no, I don’t think I’d like that,” said 94-year-old Wilfred Williams.

“I just don’t think that a gorilla could really understand all my problems like Doctor Chakrobarty does. He’s ever so nice is doctor Chakrobarty. But a gorilla would just sit there eating bananas and whatnot.

“It just wouldn’t do.”

“Alright,” conceded Mr Mortimer.

“If not monkeys, then what about dolphins then, they’re meant to be quite smart?”