Tuesday 17 May 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Schools caught teaching children useful things

Children being taught useful things

Thousands of children are being taught things that may prove relevant.

Suspicions were raised after some children were seen helping their parents with their tax returns, advising them on the best mortgages for them and how to correctly decipher a gas bill.

“Nobody likes a smartarse, specifically a smartarse who’s learnt something outside of the curriculum,” said OFSTED’s Simon Williams.

“No child needs to learn how to fill out a tax return, that’s not going to help them in later life unless they’re successful business people, which they won’t be. This isn’t China, you know.

“But they bloody well better know when the Battle of Hastings took place, for no other reason than the fact we had to go through the exact same pile of wank at their age.”

Rogue teacher, Jay Cooper, said “Apparently ‘hope’ isn’t part of the curriculum.

“My own fault, to be fair, that’s one of the first things you learn when you start teaching.”

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