Company agrees to quietly forget optimistic, five-year-old business plan

Staff at a local company have agreed to quietly forget about their five-year-old business plan and never mention it again.

Back in 2011, the company paid a five-figure sum to top management consultants Whyte & Oliphaunt for a “dynamic corporate rebranding,” which included changing the company name from “Stevenage Processing Ltd” to “XynRG” and adopting a new torch logo which bore a suspicious resemblance to Whyte & Oliphaunt’s failed 2012 Olympics logo entry.

Then the company would go on to adopt six “core values” including “Passion through Teamwork” and “Will to Win”, with all employees agreeing to sign a Corporate Charter pledging to make XynRG the industry leader by 2016.

Staff were reminded of the plan when a new intern checked the company blog and discovered it hadn’t been updated since an optimistic post from 2012 titled “Bringing a new paradigm to Industry Processes – winning by 2016”, which had been read three times in the last four years.

“It all looks a bit sad now, to be honest,” said employee Simon Williams, who asked to remain anonymous.

Describing the company as “still just as mediocre as ever,” he added, “The only things that have changed in the last five years are that they’ve blocked Facebook, my line manager has lost some more of his hair, and the bottom has fallen out of the kettle.”