by 
The Ministry of Magic has announced it has abandoned plans to force Hogwarts to become an Academy of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
The School, which is ranked as the 36th best school in Scotland and rated as Excellent by inspectors despite the regular horrific deaths of both teachers and students, was set to be forced to the new status despite protests from educationalist Minerva McGonagall and headmaster Albus Dumbledore.
Academy Status would have transferred control of the School from the government to Lucius Malfoy’s non-profit organisation, “Associated Parselmouth Educational Partners”, or APEP.
When it was pointed out that was the same name as the great serpent who devours the sun, Mr Malfoy said it was ‘purest coincidence’.
Meanwhile, some students at the school have been withdrawn due to parental concerns over ‘constant testing’.
“Childhood should be a time for play, but Ministry of Magic so-called experts want us to stick a wand in a child’s hand at make them face a dementor at the age of eleven!”, said angry parent Simonius Willithwaite.
“They say it’s in case ‘You know who’ comes back, but that’s just scaremongering propaganda which has been soundly disproved by experts.
“And insisting that Defense against the Dark Arts teachers should have some sort of qualification rather than just being a celebrity or an old mate of the headmaster misses the whole point of learning through fun and play.
“Yes, we do hope my daughter will be out of the infirmary when everything has grown back, thanks for asking.”
The Ministry was further humiliated when Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge failed to see off a Boggart on the Today Programme this morning, despite that being on the curriculum for key stage two.
A ministry spokesman later denied that Fudge simply wasn’t very good at magic, and insisted he was just very tired and suffering from a cold.
