Boris Johnson has cried out “KHAAAAAN!” in a heartrendingly emotional display of loss and despair.
Johnson, who was captain of London for an eight-year mission to seek out new japes and buffoonery, is understood to have witnessed the destruction of his successor at the hands of his arch-enemy Khan.
Johnson was understood to be disappointed during the election campaign because he heard there was a green woman he might have a go at chatting up, but it turned out just to be Sian Berry.
In a statement, Johnson acknowledged defeat, saying that in a democracy the wishes of the many outweigh the wishes of the few.
He paid tribute to his defeated colleague Zac Goldsmith, saying that he is – and always will be – his friend.
Johnson also said that he hopes to gain a much more important command soon.
When asked if Sadiq Khan was wrathful, a spokesman said”No, he’s quite cheerful actually.”
“Look”, they added. “Boris might be the Captain Kirk of politics, but Zac Goldsmith is just a fucking Clanger.”