Lord of evil Lucifer is to sue former House speaker John Boehner after the Ohio republican compared Ted Cruz to him.
“Look, I’m the manifestation of all the evil in the world, my very reason for being is to bring about chaos, misery, and decay, I am very literally the worst thing imaginable,” said Lucifer at a hastily called press conference yesterday.
“But for this Boehner guy to compare Ted Cruz to me is beyond the pale.”
A visibly hurt Prince of Darkness continued, “I mean, Ted Cruz! I’ve done some things in my time; the eternal torture of lost souls for one, but that’s nothing compared to this Ted Cruz and his views on Obamacare, abortion and gun control.
“Hell’s very reason for being is to punish the most evil human beings who’ve ever lived, but I’m not sure that even we’d take Cruz down there.
“Imagine if you’re on fire in a pit of flaming tar and then Ted Cruz started talking about Gay marriage. I mean, there’s eternal torture and then there’s eternal torture.
“So I’ve instructed my lawyers to move on this slander and Boehner should be hearing from them soon.
“And now, if you’ll excuse me,” said the Lord of Flies as he prepared to leave.
“I’ve an eleven o’clock with Donald Trump and then lunch with the guys who made Transformers: Age of Extinction.”